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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28232883">If It Wasn't for You Meddling Assassins</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/randomlyimagine/pseuds/randomlyimagine'>randomlyimagine</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Black Widow (Comics), Hawkeye (Comics), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Scooby Doo Fusion, Crack AU, Deaf Clint Barton, Gen, Humor, Scooby Doo AU, Yeah you read that right, but for assassins</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 16:34:56</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,336</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28232883</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/randomlyimagine/pseuds/randomlyimagine</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Kate leaned forward and into the Spy Machine’s front seat. “What. Did we decide. About murder.”</p><p>“I promise that I was sure he was evil,” Natasha drawled.</p><p>Clint hadn't known Kate's eyes could get that narrow.</p><p>“Fine.” Kate said. “You get the benefit of doubt, but only because you’ve gone sixteen days without a murder incident.”</p><p>“Well.” Clint smirked. “Zero, now.”</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Clint Barton &amp; Kate Bishop, Clint Barton &amp; Natasha Romanov</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>7</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>30</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>If It Wasn't for You Meddling Assassins</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><ul class="associations">
      <li>For <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/lungache/gifts">lungache</a>.</li>



    </ul><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>For the absolutely wonderful lungache, who requested this Scooby Doo AU based on a dream she had. Sorry it took me 8 months to write your birthday present, dear &lt;3 But happy birthday!! And enjoy! Love you!!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Kate’s eyes narrowed. “What did we say about murder?”</p><p>Bucky and Clint sighed in unison: “<em>Only if we’re sure they’re evil</em>.”</p><p>Natasha just scoffed.</p><p>Kate leaned forward and into the Spy Machine’s front seat. “What. Did we decide. About murder.”</p><p>“I promise that I was sure he was evil,” Natasha drawled.</p><p>Clint hadn’t known Kate’s eyes could get that narrow.</p><p>“Fine.” Kate said. “You get the benefit of doubt, but only because you’ve gone sixteen days without a murder incident.”</p><p>“Well.” Clint smirked. “Zero, now.”</p><p>Kate thwapped him on the back of the head.</p><p>–</p><p>“I was thinking...” Kate began.</p><p>Clint <em>gasped</em>.</p><p>Kate thwapped him on the back of the head.</p><p>–</p><p>Bucky glared. “Get in the van.”</p><p>Lucky barked and didn’t budge.</p><p>“I know it smells like Clint’s hot cheetos, you still have to get in the van.”</p><p>“Woof! Woof!”</p><p>“Of course I’d love to make Clint scrub the scent out by hand, but we have a mission here, okay?”</p><p>“Bark!”</p><p>“<em>No</em>. Bad dog! Get in the car.”</p><p>A mournful little whine.</p><p>Bucky sighed. “Dammit,” he muttered. “Of course I didn’t mean it. But we do have to kill these Hydra goons, so will you please, please get in the car?”</p><p>“Woof.”</p><p>Bucky knew who he was as a person, most days, and that person was not above resorting to base bribery.</p><p>“If you get in the car, you get a slice of pizza.”</p><p>“Bark!”</p><p>“Fine, <em>two</em> slices of pizza, you spoiled brat,” Bucky said, but his growl was affectionate.</p><p>Lucky got in the car.</p><p>He very, very much enjoyed his slices of pizza.</p><p>–</p><p>“Hey, Clint.”</p><p>“Yeah, Katie?”</p><p>“Don’t call me Katie.” She threw her sunglasses at him.</p><p>This immediately proved to be a mistake—Clint scooped them up and popped them right on his head, the shiny purple hearts complimenting his blond hair in a way Kate would never admit to.</p><p>“Do you ever think it’s weird, that we like, never get caught? I mean, our van <em>literally </em>says <em>Spy Machine </em>on the side. On both sides!”</p><p>Clint snorted. “If we got caught, we’d be pretty shitty spies.”</p><p>Kate flipped him off.</p><p>But if the price of being the co-best archer in the world was driving around in a van that said Spy Machine on the side, it was a price Kate didn’t mind paying.</p><p>--</p><p>“Natasha!” Clint shouted. “What are you doing? You can’t kill a ghost!”</p><p>“Yeah!” Kate called from the back seat of the Spy Machine as she watched Natasha stride away with a sniper rifle. “Ghosts are immune to bullets!”</p><p>Natasha paused to turn around, her eyes already mid-roll. “He’s not a ghost. <em>Obviously</em>.”</p><p>“You have to admit,” Bucky said, “the whole phasing through the door thing was persuasive. So was the floating thing. And the disappearing thing. And the chain-rattling thing.” He was perched on the roof of the van, his exposed metal arm glinting in the sun.</p><p>Natasha rolled her eyes again. “There’s no such thing as ghosts.”</p><p>“You don’t know that!” Clint shouted. “<em>You </em>could be a ghost right now!”</p><p>All three of the others turned to stare at him. So did Lucky. Bucky kicked the frame of the driver’s door window, which about two inches from Clint’s head.</p><p>“Okay,” Kate said, “so <em>ignoring</em> <em>that</em>—you’ve gotta admit we’ve seen weirder.”</p><p>“We’ve <em>killed</em> weirder,” Bucky added.</p><p>“Hey, I haven’t!” Kate said.</p><p>“Except Kate,” Bucky said, nodding agreeably. “Because Kate is a sweetheart who doesn’t commit murder.”</p><p>“Thank you!” Kate flicked down her purple heart sunglasses.</p><p>“But the <em>rest </em>of us have killed weirder,” Clint said. “You can’t kill a ghost, they’re already dead!”</p><p>“Yeah, and then <em>you</em> could be dead,” Kate added.</p><p>Natasha sighed. She put the butt of the sniper rifle on the ground and leaned on it like the world’s most deadly walking stick. “Then you’ll just have to come be my backup.”</p><p>Clint and Bucky were already jumping out of the car, but Kate just narrowed her eyes. “I’m calling Billy.”</p><p>--</p><p>“<em>You can’t just bring your friend to our future murder scene</em>,” Clint signed aggressively from behind Billy Kaplan’s back.</p><p>And because Billy was so fortuitously communing with unnatural forces to find out if their target was indeed a ghost, and thus had his eyes closed, Kate was free to stick out her tongue and blow a raspberry.</p><p>“Uh,” Billy said, drifting down an inch or so toward the floor. “What was that?”</p><p>“Oh, nothing!” Kate said, voice sweet as pie. “Probably just the dog. Sitting on Clint’s whoopie cushion. Yknow.”</p><p>Billy snorted. “<em>Right</em>.”</p><p>“<em>And it’s not </em>our <em>future murder scene</em>,” Kate signed. “<em>It’s yours and Bucky’s and Natasha’s! You know I don’t kill people</em>.”</p><p>“<em>And we love you for it, K-A-T-I-E</em>,” Clint signed, purposefully <em>ignoring </em>Kate’s name sign—which was technically a name sign for Hawkeye, because everyone who complained that having two Hawkeyes was confusing, was <em>weak</em>—and straight-up fingerspelling for aggressive nicknaming purposes.</p><p>This time, the raspberry Kate blew was silent.</p><p>“<em>I am an essential member of the team and you know it</em>,” Kate signed.</p><p>Clint was smiling before he realized it. “<em>Well, duh.</em>”</p><p>Kate smiled back and brought her hands up to sign—</p><p>“It’s not a ghost!” Billy said, before plopping himself back onto the floor.</p><p>“Ah,” Kate said. “Well that’s. Good.”</p><p>Clint groaned. “Natasha’s never gonna stop mocking us.”</p><p>--</p><p>“So,” Natasha said an hour later, as she threw herself down in the passenger seat of the Spy Machine and kicked her feet up on the dash. “I hear it wasn’t a ghost.” Her smirk was hidden by her coffee cup, but they could all hear it in her voice.</p><p>Lucky barked an affirmative.</p><p>“Shut up,” Bucky said, immediately before giving Lucky scritches. “Traitor.”</p><p>“In our defense,” Kate said, “he <em>looked </em>like a ghost, and he sounded like a ghost, and he definitely quacked like a ghost.”</p><p>Clint frowned. “When did he quack?”</p><p>Then, about three seconds later, he got it. Unfortunately for him, everyone was already laughing at him.</p><p>“Oh shit, that’s the target!” Bucky said.</p><p>“Drive, dumbass, drive,” Natasha drawled, and Clint obeyed with a jaunty salute, kicking the van into gear and heading off in pursuit of their target’s car.</p><p>--</p><p>In the end, it was easy. Natasha charmed her way into the target’s penthouse, then garroted him while Clint watched through a sniper rifle, Bucky lurked on the building’s roof as backup, and Kate watched the security feeds from the van.</p><p>Natasha chuckled into her earpiece as the body fell to the floor. “Told you he wasn’t a ghost.”</p><p>Clint snorted through his hearing-aid-ear-mic-combo. “Might’ve been more convenient if he was.”</p><p>“Yeah,” Kate said, flicking through security cams, “would’ve given him a <em>reason </em>for being evil enough to defraud old people of millions of dollars.”</p><p>The three assassins privately smiled, bittersweet. It was good that Kate had been able to retain some of her optimism, her innocence, even with the work they did.</p><p>“Actually,” Bucky drawled after a moment, “I think Clint just meant that we wouldn’t have to flee a murder scene if he was already dead.”</p><p>Lucky barked in agreement.</p><p>“Hmm,” Natasha hummed. “It would be nice if corpses vanished themselves for us.”</p><p>“Well it’s a good thing we don’t have to dispose of this one, then,” Bucky said. “Just make a quick exit.”</p><p>“Screens are clear!” Kate said with a smile. “You’re good to go, and I’ve got the van running.”</p><p>“Awesome,” Clint said, stowing his sniper rifle.</p><p>“Fantastic,” Natasha agreed, striding out of the apartment, her blonde wig bouncing with her steps.</p><p>“Dibs on dinner picks!” Bucky called, following her out.</p><p>“No!” three voices shouted. The mics crackled with the force of it.</p><p>“Ugh, we call dinner dibs from <em>inside</em> the Spy Machine,” Clint said. “It’s in the <em>rules</em>, dumbass.”</p><p>“Argue about food once you get your asses down here,” Kate said, revving the engine. “Now let’s blow this popsicle stand.”</p><p>And they did. And they got away scot free.</p><p>As their target and his fraud scheme would have, if it wasn’t for those meddling assassins.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Lemme know if I messed something up with the sign language! In at least some canon comics, we do see Kate and Clint referring to each other as Hawkeye by signing an H over their foreheads. (Yes lungache I did make you do research for your own birthday present lol, but in my defense it was an accident!)</p></blockquote></div></div>
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